Kenyan Dating Tips, Kenyan Online Dating, Kenyan ladies, Kenyan Men

I know most of you probably think am strange for one reason or another but the one thing I find strange about myself is that I actually enjoy seeing a man give up. Though most of my friends would argue that it’s because I’m a sadist, I don’t agree. I try to look at it like I have just won a battle. One more loser down 1,265,947 more to go!

I’ve done quite a bit of research on the subject and I have come to the conclusion that all girls do it. No matter how much a woman likes a man, she will always test a man. Unless of course she just wants to sleep with him which is another story altogether. While most women are satisfied with just playing “hard to get”, I like to go the extra mile. I say no to everything. If you ask for my number I saw no. You ask me to go out with you I say no. You ask for sex I say no. All this time, I’m saying yes with my actions. I will give you my FB where my number is listed because I want you to go the extra mile and find my number. It’s kinda fun for me but I don’t think it is a lot of fun for the men. Maybe that among others is the reason why I will end up alone!

PS: I know I have been MIA for a few weeks and I’m very sorry about that; am back now.

Now that everyone is going around claiming that Kenyan women are Gold diggers, I feel I need to speak up. In my opinion, the above rumors are being perpetrated by disgruntled BROKE Kenyan men. I would like to state categorically (whatever that means) that these rumors aren’t true. Here is why.

For a long time, it was the norm for Kenyan women to leave behind all their goals when they got married. They would work tirelessly to ensure that the man achieves his goals. It wasn’t uncommon to find a Kenyan woman scolding the kids for making noise when the man of the house wasn’t trying to relax. “Mnapigia baba yenu kelele!” Some women would even quit their jobs when they got married.

Unfortunately at some point men decided that “Mpango wa Kando’s” were here to stay. So a woman would work tirelessly for 25 years to ensure her man became the Chief Financial Officer, only to be dumped for a younger prettier version of what she would have become if she hadn’t given up her goals so that she could support him.

I don’t blame the men either. (That’s a first) It is only natural for humans to want better things in life as they become rich climb the social ladder. If you can’t afford lunch at the Stanley today, you will definitely want to try it when you can afford it. When they are richer, most men tend to feel like they settled for their wives because they couldn’t get anything better at the time.

I’m one of those women who will not even consider dating a jobless man. Before you call me the B word (Today is a Sunday so I won’t say the B word. Sinning on a Sunday is frowned upon) I digress. Before you call me the B word, hear me out. Back when I was jobless, I didn’t date. I was too busy sending applications and attending interviews to date. I didn’t want anyone calling my phone between 8am and 5pm just in case an employer tried to call and they didn’t get through.

There is a reason why love and intimacy are in the 3rd layer in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs while employment is in the 2nd layer. You are supposed to get a job before you get into a serious relationship. It’s the law and like I have said before, you don’t mess with the law.

The other day, I was watching KTN’s Case files and I couldn’t help shedding tears. This particular story was about a young girl (very young I might add) who killed her baby so that she could have time to care of her ailing father. Though I don’t believe that’s the reason she did it, I feel her pain. She was clearly a child when she had that baby. In addition to being a child physically, she had the mind of a child. Am sure you are wondering why she killed the child?

According to her, they (including the baby) had not had anything to eat for about 2 days. Do you know that feeling you get when you have gone without lunch? Now imagine what that baby was feeling. So she came up with an “innovative” idea to end the misery, she decided she was going to wake up very early the next morning and throw her baby in the river. Needless to say, the baby died out of shock immediately it hit the water. (If you were brought up in Nairobi, I feel I should inform you that river water is extremely cold in the morning) Like I said, she had the mind of a child. She didn’t even consider how she was going to explain her baby’s disappearance to the villagers who of course knew she had a new born baby. I mean, even those who didn’t know she had a baby must have seen her pregnant; 9 months is a long time.

Here comes the part where I blame Kenyan men for everything including World War II. I’m I the only one who attended that Biology class where they taught us that for a baby to be formed, sperm must fertilize an egg? So where was this particular sperm donor when his baby who was just a few weeks old was going hungry for two days? I’ll tell you where this guy was. He was at the local bar having some ugali matumbo and keg declaring his sexual prowess to everyone at the bar just incase they hadn’t heard him the previous day! Is this what our Kenyan Men have become?

Every woman knows that no matter how many birth control pills you stuff into your mouth every morning; there is always the chance that you could get pregnant. But Kenyan men have developed this mentality that they can go around having sex without having to face the consequences. These days in Kenyan Dating, when you get pregnant, you don’t even bother telling the man. You just get rid of it or go away to your grandma’s place to have the child. I think the new constitution had a clause that attempted to force Kenyan men to take responsibility for their sperm. (I don’t know. I didn’t read it) However, just in case it is a figment of my imagination, I think this law is long overdue.

In addition to this, I think there should be a law on statutory rape. Men who think it is funny to sleep with under-aged girls should be dealt with harshly.

Sorry, I have been away for sometime. I had a big project.

Once in a while when am home alone on a Saturday night, I miss my first boyfriend. I had my first boyfriend in campus (Embarrassing). In my defense, I went to a girls primary schools and a girls catholic high school. Now that I look back, he was as close to the perfect man as I will ever get.

• He was cute though he had weird ears which I loved
• He was light skinned.  As is the norm in Kenyan dating a dark girl dates a light skinned man. It’s the law. You don’t mess with the law.
• He was nice and caring
• He was outgoing (am an introvert so I could really use an outgoing boyfriend)
• I loved him (key point)
• I gave him my virginity

However, it didn’t work out.

• He was one of the cutest boys in campus and my insecurities got the better of me. Girls were literally waiting for me to drop him so that they could grab him.
• Our relationship was constantly in the public lime light so I felt I was struggling to keep up.
• Sex wasn’t very good (I guess this was tied to my anxieties about pregnancy)

Unfortunately, I had to break up with him because he got busy and I felt he didn’t have enough time for me anymore among other things. To this day, he thinks I dumped him because he was bad in bed. I have tried to tell him that’s not true but he won’t believe me.

We tried to rekindle our relationship in our last year of campus but it didn’t work out. We had both changed. (Plus he called me fat which I didn’t appreciate) My needs and wants had changed, I wasn’t very easy to please anymore. In his case, he was even busier than he was when I dumped him so I knew it wouldn’t work. I still miss him to this day. We aren’t even friends anymore. I lost deleted his number. When I break up with someone, I delete their number. This way I can’t call them sounding desperate on those Saturday evenings when am missing them.

I have always thought about how nice it must be to be a Kenyan man. You get to chase after girls and when they reject you you get to tarnish their reputation. You get to have sex with millions of people and get praised for it. But most of all you get to marry your own personal slave!

When you marry you get to pretend that you do not eat leftovers and insist that your wife cooks a fresh meal for breakfast, lunch, brunch and dinner.

You complain when you come home and do not find a hot bath and some nice freshly cooked food waiting for you.

If you go three days without eating chapati you get to complain about how your wife doesn’t cook your favorite food anymore.

The next day your wife despite being tired cooks those chapati’s you love so much but you decide to have beer and nyam chom with the mboys and you come home too full to eat the chapatis.

You get to demand sex at 3.00 am in the morning and when your wife refuses you use it as an excuse to go out there and fuck anything with boobs. (notice how I didn’t say anything in a skirt)

You get to come home at 3.00 am and demand that your wife heats some food for you.

Kenyan men have this strange idea that the institution of marriage was created for their own happiness. They think can come up with any ridiculous request and the wife is supposed to fulfill it without a word. They think that we Kenyan women have this strange need inside us to be someone else’s personal slave. Women who rebel against such ideas get to be old spinsters.

And the saddest thing is that there are actually some Kenyan women who believe they cannot be happy unless they find a man to serve.

Since am considering visiting this guy again for a hysterectomy, I thought I would tell you about my first visit to the gynaecologist. As I already said, my Gyne is a guy, 35, handsome and very married. I chose this guy because I heard romours that he was ranked the 3rd best Gyne in Kenya in some medical journal. (I can’t prove or disprove these allegations but I reckon where there is smoke there is fire)

So I went to his clinic to seek treatment for a yest infections. I already knew the treatment was pessaries but I wanted a proffesional opinion since it kept reccuring. (Pessaries is a drug that looks like a small tampon. You shove it up your vagina when you are having a yeast infection and it dissolves in there) Appointments at his clinic are made 1 week in advance, so I went there to book my appointment. As luck would have it, there had been a cancelation that afternoon I was told I could see the doctor that afternoon. I was glad I had gone to the bank earlier ( yes you need to go to the bank to be able to pay his fees) There was a client in there so I waited.

When I walked in, he asked me the normal “maswali ya clinic” and then he asked me my proffesion. I said I was a student because I have noticed students pay less everywhere. He wasn’t that daft, he asked what course I was taking. I said Bcom because that was the first thing that came to mind.

Anyway, he then asked me to take of my pantie and lie on the kabed. I had thought ahead and was wearing a dress so I didn’t have to remove it and show him my butt. I lay there then he came and told me to open wide then he looked and looked and he told me to point where I was itching and I did. Now listen to this, this is the most interesting part. Without warning, he shoved two fingers into my vagina and then pulled out. I had been experiencing a year long sexual drought (ukame) and so it felt like someone had shoved their thumb up my ass. And he pushed deep he didn’t just insert into my cervix, I have a feeling his fingers went up to my uterus. Then he proceeds to look at my discharge against his white glove and he takes them off. He went and sat on his table so obviously I assumed the exam was over and I got up and started putting on my shoes only to remember I still had my panties in my hand.

It was an unplesant experience to say the least but I wasn’t charged too much (3500). I guess the “am a student thing worked”. Alternatively, I don’t think he found anything wrong with me though I was given antibiotics.

I know most of you do not want to hear about my period but unfortunately I do not have a diary. I have been away for a few days because of my period. I was so sick that I haven’t left the house since Thursday evening. I had to miss work on Friday.

This is one of the reason’s why am sure God is a man. He couldn’t come up with another more creative way of torturing us apart from making us bleed every month? I know the men don’t understand what it feels like so am going to explain. It feels like there’s someone in your uterus cutting you up with a knife and then tearing you apart with their hands. If you are lucky, pain killers work for you. Unfortunately for me I have to overdose for the pain to go down.

For the men who think our period comes once a month like your salary that’s not true. For the unlucky one’s like me it comes after 14 days and lasts for 1 whole week (and you tell me God isn’t a man) The only way to stop my period is through hormonal birth control or a hysterectomy (get my uterus removed) I have tried pills before, they worked but they made me fatter and fatter every month. So now am considering getting pregnant having, having a kid and then getting my uterus removed. Now I have got to find someone to get me pregnant.

I have always wondered whether I should clean my man after sex. I have heard that Rwandan and Ugandan women do it (I’m sure they are just rumors propagated by Kenyan men in a bid to ruin our reputation ) Anyway, when he’s done thrusting and he has cum and am lying there wondering how he could be done so fast should I sit up really fast and grab a tissue and then proceed to remove the condom. Should I tie a knot at the top coz I have noticed that some men do that.

I have heard that I should keep some wet wipes under the sheets (ye s the bedsheets) to keep them warm. ( For the men, wet wipes are like wet tissues. For the women, you know those farmasi wipes, not the dry tissues that cost 15 bob the ones that cost  40 bob?) Now after I have tied a knot on the condom, do I search frantically under the bedsheets until I find the wipes which should be warm by now and then wipe my man’s dick vigorously while he lies there and admires my expertise. While am doing this should I praise his rod and tell him how effective it is though am completely frustrated?

After am done should I help him put his boxers on and tuck away his dick to the left side? (Someone told me the dick should never be on the right side, I don’t know why)

I have serious anxieties about this wiping his dick thing, what if I spill? I will look like a fool (kurutu) I will attempt it the next time I have sex. Am currently experiencing a dry spell so this might take some time!

I finally, figured out why the married man that am seeing won’t bitch about his wife, he’s going through midlife crisis. Now I feel seriously offended. I know I sound dumb but it never occurred to me before. He has all the classic symptoms

1. He’s 40 (Technically he’s 39 but that sounds like the same thing to me)

2. He’s dissatisfied with his life

3. He feels a need for adventure

Now I feel completely wasted. Sooner or later, he will snap out of it. Am going to cry myself to sleep. (This means drink myself to sleep but its the sentiment that counts)